Wal-Mart’s World In A Paris Hilton Presidency

Paris Hilton: hotel heiress...reality TV star...President?

Despite having not yet announced her campaign, Hilton was recently placed in a John McCain ad (along with Britney Spears) alongside Senator Barack Obama, most likely in an attempt to make her appear ultra-liberal and quite unpresidential. (Some would argue the advertisement was really an attempt to make Obama look like a self-important celebrity, but I doubt the McCain camp would go there.)

Anyway, Hilton, shown here on what is no doubt an excruciatingly important call with a foreign dignitary (and looking fabulous in a Diane von Furstenberg dress), has fought back, announcing her candidacy and her intent to run against a certain ”wrinkly white-haired guy.” And with that, we can be left to ponder what would become of us under President Hilton, as Sean Leviashvili at TheStreet.com has:

ECONOMIC POLICY:
What about universal healthcare? And what about universal shopping sprees? According to a recent CNN poll, 48% of Americans are most concerned about the economy and the troubled job market. And with big name-companies such as Wal-Mart missing their earnings expectations recently, the U.S. might need someone who actually knows what Wal-Mart sells. Paris once asked what Wal-Mart (WMT) was on national TV ("What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?"), let’s hope she’s done some research.

Research schmesearch...I hope once she’s President, Hilton will finally find her way to Wal-Mart to fill all of her wall-related needs.

Potential Policies if Paris Hilton Becomes President [TheStreet.com]

Will the White House become the Pink House?

If Paris Hilton has any say, yes.

“I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says smiling on her most recent publicity stunt: a parody of McCain’s “Spears, Paris, Obama” campaign video posted on http://www.funnyordie.com. In her spot, Hilton discusses her plans for the nation and considers her running mate. “I’m thinking Rihanna.”

While it may be too late to make it into the race, and she may be a few years short of the age requirement (She’s 27 and you must be at least 35 to run for president), MainStreet, along with Sara Benincasa, comedian and reporter for MTV News’ Choose or Lose 2008 campaign, wondered what a Paris Hilton Presidency might look like.

ENERGY POLICY:
Paris’s Energy (Specifically Oil) Plan:

Paris already solved this one herself, as explained in her video:
“Barack wants to focus on new technologies to cut foreign oil dependency, and McCain wants offshore drilling. Well, why don’t we do a hybrid of both candidates’ ideas? We can do limited off-shore drilling, with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives and get Detroit to make hybrid and electric cars. That way the offshore drilling carries until the new technologies kick in, which will then create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved.”

Doesn’t sound too complicated, does it? Thanks, Paris!

Benincasa’s Prediction: “Looks like she solved it. Thank God!” she says. “But I doubt she had any contribution to it, it was probably the work of really talented writers.”

ECONOMIC POLICY:
What about universal healthcare? And what about universal shopping sprees? According to a recent CNN poll, 48% of Americans are most concerned about the economy and the troubled job market. And with big name-companies such as Wal-Mart missing their earnings expectations recently, the U.S. might need someone who actually knows what Wal-Mart sells. Paris once asked what Wal-Mart (WMT) was on national TV ("What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?"), let’s hope she’s done some research.

Benincasa’s Prediction: To boost the economy, Hilton may consider a second stimulus check. “She’d probably write a few her self and have the dogs do the rest.”

ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY:
Animals seem to be on Hilton’s mind the most.
“Every woman should have four pets in her life,” Hilton has said. “A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” That’s a philosophy guaranteed to rile up the folks at PETA. But what about Tinkerbell, the heiress’s favorite live accessory? This February, Hilton was in the doghouse for announcing on the Ellen DeGeneres show that she owned 17 pups (each with their own outfit), a number exceeding the three-dog limit established by the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services for non-breeders in California. The location of her many dogs is currently reported as unknown.

Benincasa’s Prediction: “She doesn’t seem to be a great pet-owner, and I know she adopted an illegal animal a while back, but she loves that Tinkerbell. She’d probably make Tinkerbell Secretary of Education, maybe even in charge of Health and Human Services.”

DEFENSE POLICY:
If the media’s coverage of Hilton has taught us anything, it’s not to mess with Paris. This bottled-blonde takes (almost) nothing laying down! Based on the seemingly endless list of catfights Paris has reportedly been involved in, her defense policy would likely be categorized as aggressive or hawkish.

Things got complicated on The Simple Life (NWS) when Paris and childhood-friend, Nicole Richie, put their friendship on hiatus after rumors circulated that Nicole had shown the notorious “One Night in Paris” tape to friends at a party. The duo finally patched things up and reunited on the show for its fifth season, after spending season four apart. This isn’t the first time Paris had a war with an ally! While doing a radio interview in April, Paris made childhood-friend, Kim Kardashian the butt of her joke by criticizing her bottom. “It’s disgusting,” she said. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.” (Ever the diplomat, Hilton realized the inappropriateness of her comment and made a public apology in In Touch magazine shortly after.) The wars don’t begin and end with childhood connections. Tabloids have captured Paris going head to head with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, and former Playboy Bunny (PLA), Shanna Moakler.

So would Paris stay on defense the way she does in her personal life is she were Commander in Chief?

Benincasa’s Prediction: “She would probably keep [U.S. Secretary of State] Condi [Rice] in place because she wears [cute] pumps, but she’d leave all the work to her. As for attending foreign balls and conferences, I can see her having a throw down with [Chancellor of Germany] Angela Merkel or [French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife and former model] Carla Bruni, it could be hard not being the hottest girl at the ball.”

LEGAL POLICY
As for toying with the gray area of the constitution, a la The Patriot Act, potential President Hilton would probably just issue her own ‘Paris Act.’ As she’s said before: “The only rule is: don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”

Loves it!

Posted by Corey Himrod on Friday, August 08, 2008

COMMENTS

And with big name-companies such as Wal-Mart missing their earnings expectations recently...

Music to my ears.

I’ve been an oilman all my life and this is one emergency we can’t drill our way out of. ~ T. Boone Pickins

Ken V in Texas
Friday, August 08 at 07:16 PM

“earnings expectations”

What’s the difference between ‘earnings expectations’ and ‘actual earnings’? If I buy a lottery ticket and have ‘earnings expectations’ of winning 10 million dollars, and end up have to split it with another winner when I won, does that mean I ended up losing money? After all, I only got 5 million dollars, instead of the $10 I had ‘expectations’ of winning!! It is the same with Wal-Mart, they expected to get a 3.4% increase in sales, but only got a 3% increase, but, the key word here is INCREASE, not LOSS!!

“Music to my ears.”

Glad to hear, that Wal-Mart making MORE money then they did last year, is ‘Music to your ears’!!

RDS in
Friday, August 08 at 11:13 PM

Another Insightful “Argument” From RDS

Who can argue with a sharp mind like yours, RDS?

Comparing Wal-Mart missing it’s earnings expectations to winning the lottery… that’s priceless! How do you keep coming up with these gems?

OK...let’s talk the lottery. Everyone knows (or should know) what the odds of winning the lottery is. It’s sorta like the odds of someone “living better” because they shop at Wal-Mart. And with all of the companies laying off people, and this country’s financial institutions in “crisis mode,” Wal-Mart is laughing all the way to the bank.

While I don’t pretend to speak for Ken, I think the “music to his ears” (and mine as well) was not the amount of the earnings Wal-Mart still managed to squeak out in a tough economic climate, but rather the direction these earnings were headed in!

ScrewedbyWalMart in Anytown, America
Saturday, August 09 at 08:31 AM

Save more. Live Better. Shop elsewhere.

ddrb in
Saturday, August 09 at 10:05 AM

What’s the difference between ‘earnings expectations’ and ‘actual earnings’?

‘Earning expectations’ are what analysts think a company should make. In this case, ‘actual earnings’ were somewhat less.

If everyone’s walking business encyclopedia robertfeinman should drop in, have him explain the effect of ‘expectations’ on Wall Street.

Ken V in Texas
Saturday, August 09 at 12:05 PM

“explain the effect of ‘expectations’ on Wall Street.”

Sure, missing ‘expectations’ causes Wall Street to sell off, the way they did Thursday, but not just Wal-Mart, the whole retail sector, and then the next day, they come to their senses and go by ‘actual earnings’ and start buying again, like they did Friday!!

RDS in
Saturday, August 09 at 11:12 PM

...they come to their senses...

I think the fallacy of pinning anything on daily stock prices is beginning to sink in, RDS.

There is no question about it. Wall Street got drunk. The question is, How long will it (take to) sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments?” ~ Pres. G.W. Bush

Ken V in Texas
Sunday, August 10 at 02:21 PM

“How long will it (take to) sober up...”

Many of us have been asking the same thing about you, George!

ScrewedbyWalMart in Anytown, America
Sunday, August 10 at 10:34 PM

“And with big name-companies such as Wal-Mart missing their earnings expectations recently… “

Apparently someone is psychic because Walmart hasn’t even announced their earnings yet. All they announced was their same store sales which was in the mddle of THEIR projection range.

Dave in
Monday, August 11 at 11:54 AM

Apparently someone is psychic....

You mean I’m not the only one with a Chinese-made crystal ball?

You guys really don’t understand the way Wall Street, same store sales, and ‘expectations’ work, do you?

Ken V in Texas
Monday, August 11 at 04:41 PM

Paris obviously has some marketing savvy; she can turn anything into a PR boost for herself… thx to McCain’s miscalculation, she’ll be selling more cans of wine than ever

media boy in AZ
Tuesday, August 12 at 12:04 AM

Speaking of “marketing savvy” or the lack thereof, couldn’t the Media Team find a better pic of Paris? Less clothing?

Wal-Mart: “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” ~ Obi-wan Kenobi

Ken V in Texas
Tuesday, August 12 at 07:29 AM

“You guys really don’t understand the way Wall Street, same store sales, and ‘expectations’ work, do you? “

I understand how they work. Apparently you don’t understand that earnings and same store sales are not the same. Walmart is scheduled to announce their earning sometime in the next week. Unless the writer of the article got the results before Walmart even had finished putting them together, I’m guessing the writer used the wrong term.

Dave in
Tuesday, August 12 at 06:43 PM

Apparently you don’t understand that earnings and same store sales are not the same.

Apparently you need to go back and reread the thread. RDS had a question about “earnings expectations’ and ‘actual earnings’”.

Any problem you have with confusion of the terms ‘earnings’ and ‘same store sales’ would be better taken up with the author Sean Leviashvili at The Street.com.

There is a convenient link at the beginning of the quote.

Ken V in Texas
Wednesday, August 13 at 01:19 PM

That doesn’t explain why you quoted me when you said.

“You guys really don’t understand the way Wall Street, same store sales, and ‘expectations’ work, do you? “

At any rate apparently the psychic was wrong. So the music to your ears was wrong.

“Wal-Mart Stores Inc (WMT - News) reported a 17 percent rise in quarterly profit and raised its full-year earnings view, as shoppers seek low prices on food, health-care products and electronics its stores.”
http://biz.yahoo.com/rb/080814/walmart.html?.v=4

Does raising the earnings view count as missing your earnings expectation?

Dave in
Thursday, August 14 at 07:02 AM

Are you purposefully being obtuse, Dave?

The writer at The Street.com got his terms confused. Instead of same store sales he used the term earnings. If you can wrap your mind around that then try this.

Same store sales missed expectations, earnings did not.

Do you really expect to influence folks by splitting idiomatic hairs?

Ken V in Texas
Thursday, August 14 at 01:42 PM

I understand that. I just think it’s funny that you said this, “‘And with big name-companies such as Wal-Mart missing their earnings expectations recently...’
Music to my ears.”
Apparently you didn’t understand it right away. Also you still haven’t explained why you thought I didn’t understand, “the way Wall Street, same store sales, and ‘expectations.’” I know you’ll never admit you were wrong so I’m wasting my time, but it’s still fun to watch you try to spin everything you said to pretend like you knew all along what you were talking about.

Dave in
Thursday, August 14 at 06:38 PM

You are purposefully being obtuse, Dave.

The rise of Wal-Mart has brought forth a new nation of economic insecurity and diminished consumer choice. The American dream has been downsized to a nightmare. ~ Harold Meyerson

Ken V in Texas
Monday, August 18 at 02:47 PM

I’m not being obtuse you were wrong, believed some writer who didn’t know what they were talking about even after I pointed out that they were wrong, and now that you know I’m right you can’t admit it. It’s alright. I know your too proud to admit you were wrong. It must be tough wasting all your time trying to destroy a company and seeing them thrive.

Dave in
Monday, August 18 at 10:22 PM

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